Keeping Up Appearances

Prudence,

While there are many things I admire about you, I will never understand your obsession with appearance. Perhaps it comes by merit of your geography, where you come from there is more invested in quick first impressions and little ambiguity of style. Then, it could be argued, my disinterest in considering personal aesthetic as a measuring rod is born from a lack of geographic identity or loyalties. (The only I might claim being a third world country, the theory prevails.) Perhaps an explanation of the root of these thoughts and observations is in order.

I had a very disturbing conversation a few days ago while out to lunch with an elderly couple. I was discussing with these family friends the odyssey of that day's search for work. In doing so I relayed to them the humorous image of Casey and myself driving aimless looking for a specific building. The two have never met Casey, their only understanding became my description of his gauged ears, tall emaciated frame, and that he was my roommate's boyfriend (a white lie to sidestep their overly conservative bias). The man's response, though I understand him to be a well-intentioned victim of his own simple-minded judgement, made me feel queasy.

"I wouldn't be going around with some guy - would if people think he's your boyfriend? They might wonder what you're doing hanging around with some loser."

My ears turned scarlet as I tried to hold back my own disgust at the cruelty of his advise. I then told that man that changing who I associate with on the basis on what others might think of me, or to obtain a job, is the anti-thesis of what Christ would do. (Worship of God, and love of my nephew beings the ties that bind me to these particular pair.) Moreover, loyalty to my friends might not help me climb any social ladders I sleep a whole lot better at night as someone who doesn't give up on people to make a better wage. I sensed they were quieted, but by no means convinced.

I had a similar conversation a few weeks ago. I must have told you. It upset and unsettled me more than I could process at the time, the words and insinuations lingering long after I drove away. In this particular instance, a woman I once gave that sacred pedastol "Mom" told me that I had essentially feigned religion and leadership, basically my whole identity, in High School. That the real me was a drug and sex addict, and that it was good the world finally knew. Who says something like that?

First off, those who know me best now, and at the time, disagree with her views. The word "bitch" has even been thrown out. Still, due to the regard in which I held her affection I was beside myself in self examination - was what she said to me valid? Was my a lie at the time? Was the real me my mistakes, the shortcomings I would experience on the road to adulthood? Then, I took words of wisdom I first heard from her husband's lips. "Consider the source."

I understand now that to individuals concerned entirely with appearances everything is black and white. Its simple and tidy. All important information can be easily assessed from one glance. These charges were brought against me by a woman who remodeled her house for her son's graduation party. The guest list? Only family. Yet another item my mind has difficulty fathoming - spending thousands of dollars - no! Placing one's self thousands of dollars in debt, to impress one's own family. I sympathize that she came from a small town, and the mentalities and complexes that are bred of such social stagnation. How whatever measure of open-minded perspective I have can only be attributed to the big city melting pots I found myself raised in. That, it would seem, is the difference in us and our paradigms. In a black and white world of appearance versus, its logical nemesis, the gray area, the chaos, the mess that is substance.

Furthermore, I have never encountered a person endowed of that mindset who I would consider happy. What I do observe is the never ending stress of trying to please others and gain their approval - an endeavor that will never end in satisfaction. If said individuals need to be impressed, or if their negative gossip is so terrifying, nothing, no amount of hardwood flooring or chocolate fountains, no surfeit of new clothes nor the raddest hair style, will ever be enough to satiate their shallow minds. My advice would be an examination of why that approval is needed. That, dear friend, is another letter all its own.

So this is why I do not see myself being assimilated into that worldview. Ever. Mostly I consider it essentially counterintuitive to writing. The beauty of art is showing reality in a way thats multifaceted, even when all those facets don't glisten. We scorn real-life hypocrites, yet we adore them on the screen. Because they fight the battles we try to suppress, or deny. They give us the emotional freedom to recognize our own shortcomings and mistakes, and the belief that we too can win in the end. On screen, if characters do everything right, have the newest and best everything, and no struggle, no vices, no conflict, they are... boring.


As a rule, honesty begets growth, growth finds itself completed in integrity. It all begins with the truth. So then, one must reason, that deception hinders growth. This too seems logical enough as many of those stuck in their race for appearance, priveledge and property seem the victim of some manner of - I'll say it - arrested development.

So, in essence Prudence, I care less about the brand of one's shoes, and more about where they've been. After all, old friend, the exterior doubtlessly speaks volumes, but how much of that communication is based in illusion? I'll do my best to abstain from judgment, but I can't help but hope that one day you will see that there is so much more to life than can be processed through a photo lens. More beauty to be found in honest flaws than in the pretentious endeavor to conceal them. Perhaps then the thought can be entertained that nothing about you was ever a mistake.

x Valerie